I wrote this satirical piece for a blog, Comedy vs Climate Change. The blog took the approach that sometimes comedy is the best way to cope with a melting and burning world. It was published online in January 2021.

Which alternative milk are you?

Once upon a time in a land far far away, there were three options when it came to milk: blue, green and red. Mum or dad probably picked one and you innocently stuck with it throughout your childhood until they made you switch to a ‘healthier’ version. Meanwhile, alternative milks were the preserve of those weirdly dusty health food shops.

But times have changed. WE have changed. Dairy is destroying the planet, and plant-based companies are milking this opportunity to save us from ourselves. It’s no longer enough just to have a colour preference (though if red was ever your choice I’m sorry but you’re just wrong). No, these days you have to choose your fighter, and you’re nothing without one. (Never mind that you might be willing to sacrifice all those morals when they don’t have your milk of choice).

So which team are YOU on? 

Oat

A bit indulgent, a bit trendy, a bit bandwagonny. You get your oat flat white from the independent coffee shop down the road – the one with exposed brickwork, beardy baristas and one of those cool letter boards where they spell things wrong on purpose. Hell, you’re probably buying a bottle of kombucha on your way out. You’ve hopped on that creamy bandwagon, and why not? Oat in a coffee froths like no other. Plus, there’s no denying that an Oatly bottle in your fridge is a serious indication of Good Taste. Or that was, until they sold out to Blackstone, who are actively funding deforestation of the Amazon. But fret not, these other oaty options have stepped up to save the day, and your conscience.

Soya

Ah, the soya slurper. You’re good, honest and dependable, and you were probably drinking plant-based milk way before it became cool and hip to do so. You heard the vicious rumours about the hormones and the phytochemicals and you carried on drinking it! Fear? You don’t know her. In fact, you’re smugly chugging that good protein before/after your mid-morning workouts, while smirking at those of us who’ve only recently joined the anti-cow brigade.  And you’ll keep on drinking that soya while everyone else moves on to oat. 

Almond

Nuts for almond milk? You’re not alone, because it’s pretty much the most popular alt milk out there – congrats on joining the club! You’re probably also a dedicated follower of Adriene (of ‘Yoga With’ fame) and a whizz at making berry smoothies – because God knows almond milk simply REFUSES to behave in a hot drink. Though I hate to tell you this, but you’re not as angelic as you thought you were: a shit ton of water goes into producing almond milk, not to mention all those poor bees! I know our lil’ flaky friends seem innocent enough, but sometimes solutions are too good to be true. Time to put those almonds back where they belong – in macaroons, nougat and amaretti. Why were we wasting them on milk again?

Coconut

Ooh, get you! You’re a bit tropical and little bit sweet, the type who likes a little splash of Malibu on a summer’s day to get you feeling those sunny vibes – and hey, we’re not judging! The coconut milk drinker is usually a bit off-the-wall – because you would be when there are so many better alternatives, wouldn’t you?

Hemp

You’re not messing around. You must be SERIOUSLY into this alt milk business if you can deal with the acquired taste of hemp milk. You’re either a gym heavyweight, a genuine hippie or a very misguided soul who thought it might get you high (sorry pal, it’s made from the cannabis sativa plant but doesn’t contain the psychoactive part). You are truly dedicated to the cause, and we salute you.

Cow

Do you not know that there’s a climate crisis on? If you’re still chowing down the cow, you need to take a Good Hard Look at yourself. Wake up and smell the flat white, it’s 2021! We all know that cow’s milk is quite delicious, but how about dipping your toe into the huge vat of sustainable milks out there? 

Powdered

You’re a bit of a hypochondriac who bought up a load of the trusty white powder (no, not that kind) while everyone else was stockpiling loo roll. But who will be laughing when tougher pandemic restrictions mean we can hardly leave the house? You’ve got ‘milk’ for daysss. 

Choccy milk

You’re actually a child in an adult’s body. You have a glass of Nesquik every day before going to (bed) your pillow fort to hide from scary things like the climate crisis, the pandemic and the Tory government. Hey, adulting is no fun! These are unprecedented times, and it would be rude not to regress. Get yourself a cold glass of choccy milk and pretend like nothing’s wrong.